joy

it's been over 10 weeks since i left home and i'm still waiting for that dreaded bout of homesickness to hit. 10 weeks being the longest i'd previously been away from home prior to coming to stocks. then again, i wasn't homesick the last time and i thought maybe 10 weeks was too short to get homesick over but having crossed the 10 week mark and set a new personal record for pseudo-independent living, i'm wondering if i'll feel it. irreverent as it sounds, the only thing i miss about home is my rottie pup, who's fast morphing into a massive yearling without my being around to watch him grow up :( it sounds almost heartless to say that i don't miss my family, but truly, i don't. i call home often enough and am in constant text contact with them to the point where i don't even feel like we're apart. i really miss the food though, does that make me a terrible person, head ruled not by emotion but by my rumbling tummy? maybe it's not in me to get emotional. without a doubt i love my family to bits but i'm just not at a stage where i'm yearning for their presence or wanting to be back home.

it's been a liberating time away thus far and i know i'll be ready to go home when i need to but for now there's no point in getting irrationally bogged down by silly sentiment. it's not like i can miss home on demand, anyway. complain as i do about stocks and how it's so cold and i can't cook etc etc, i'm secretly relishing every moment here. i recognise that it's short but intense period where i've absolutely zero responsibility. how amazing is that! my inner escapist is turning cartwheels in glee at not having to do anything, go anywhere or meet anyone unless i want to. its self-indulgence at its hedonistic worst and i'd be the first to admit that it's a refreshing change from all the niggling obligations that come with being at home. not that home's a bad thing, i need to keep qualifying my statements, but it's a refreshing change nevertheless :)

at the back of my mind the voice of reason whispers that i graduate in six months, that i'll be done with college in the blink of an eye, that there are additional adult responsibilities about to pounce on me, that real work starts in january 2011 (thank you God that i know where i'm going and am only too happy to be there) which are all together a bundle of blessings that i'm actually looking forward to, it makes these few months in stockholm all the more special for i can truly appreciate the vacancy of my time when i know that it'll belong to me less after this brief surrealist existence. perhaps i don't register my gratitude at the opportunities i've been given often enough but beneath my perpetual protestations of having to do this, that and the other, is a latent satisfaction at having even survived 10 weeks on my own. dependency is a luxury that i'm all too pleased to have been afforded. while dependency has many veins, i refer predominantly to the physical well-being kind.

echoing the sentiment of the earlier post, it's a great place to be. it struck me awhile ago that there's nothing on my wishlist. if the proverbial genie in a bottle appeared and granted me three wishes, i wouldn't know what to wish for because i'm not in want. ok, another qualifier, maybe i'd ask aforementioned genie for a limitless supply of palate pleasers, because i'm always appreciative of good food but i prefer to attribute that to a cultivated appreciation rather than base gluttony, semantic as that may sound. am enjoying the balance of solo living and the gradual introduction to adult responsibilities on the home front. there have been some unexpected but most welcome developments that remind me of just how much there is in store when i go home and that's a great feeling too. incredibly happy to be on the cusp of major life change, to straddle my two worlds in gleeful limbo, inching towards a transition yet still distant enough to savour the present for what it is while peering excitedly into the future. and far from being reluctant to release my life as i know it, there's a time and place for everything and the winds are changing. the autumn leaves swirl as i glide through the blustery evening, weather befitting the mood although the shift most definitely isn't into a winter of discontent. i love anticipation, despite being absolutely terrible with surprises :)

so here's to life, love and happy hormones!

(i swear it was the pizza.)